If you are wondering what this fascinating book is about the title kind of gives it away. Well if you still don’t know what it is about you will just have to read. And find out!
Chapter 1 age from born to 2
And God said let there be Pete
On April I (April fool’s day) Pete was born. He looked kind of funny for a baby. They weren’t sure if he was a mistake or a joke how he looked because it was April fools day. But it was not a joke he was born looking like a monkey. Pete has six brothers and one sister their names are Chuck, Nick, Mike, Bob, Jim, Marylou, Ray. They thought that Pete really was a monkey but he was not one he had just gone through puberty really super fast. So mom and dad shaved all the hair off him so he didn’t look like a monkey but It just kept on growing back they tried everything to get rid of the hair they shaved it off but it grew back they pulled each one out but it grew back, but that made it worse when he cried he sounded like a monkey also. So they just left themwith hair on him. Two years later when dad was mowing the lawn dad left the gas out on the porch for the lawnmower. Pete finally thought of a way to get the hair off of him all he did was need some gasoline and matches. So he found the gasoline but all he did was need matches so he went inside and saw his mom lighting the gas stove he said” mom can I burrow some matches” she said” no you are not old enough to play with matches” he had to think of a lie to make her give it to him so he said” Dad needs them to wash his hands” so mom started laughing he was wondering why she was laughing he thought it was the best lie he could think of. Finally once she stopped laughing she said”no”. So since his brother Chuck smoked he asked if he could use his matches he said” all right” and once his brother gave them to him he ran down stairs got the gasoline bucket before dad finished mowing the lawn so he went behind the house and took off all his clothes when he saw some ten year old girls staring at him he finally figured out why it was because he was naked so he turned around so they would stop staring at him but that didn’t help at all so he decided to hide in the bushes but it wasn’t very comfortable in there but that was the only thing to do. So he dumped the gasoline on him and got ready to light the match on him and well you know what happened. When the fire went out every part of his body was red from being burned so his brother Jim finally thought of a name for him it is red butt monkey.
Chapter 2 – ages from 2 to 5
What is that!
Pete finally learned his lesson not to light himself on fire so he never did that until three years later when they got an animal Pete got a pet he did not know what it was he thought it was a monkey because it had hair just like he did. So he knew exactly what to do he had to get rid of the monkey hair problem (as you can tell by what he is thinking he is not very good with animals) so he had to wait until midnight when his mom and dad were asleep but he had to get an idea to make the fire less painful so he found some matches on the counter. So he decided to only use matches instead of matches and gasoline. So seven hours later it was midnight and he got the dog and brought him under the fireplace and lit the match and all that you could hear was barking from the dog. Pete saw the dog fly up the chimney it was the coolest thing he saw. The last of the dog was his burned hair.
Chapter 3 – ages from 5 to 10
Super heroes
Pete learned his lesson that some animals are supposed to have hair and not to play with fire. Five years later somebody had just invented this guy called Superman but when he was reading the comic books he had just figured out that Superman had to learn how to fly by jumping off buildings, so he wanted to be like Superman, so he made his costume, and his name was Peteman. He saw superman wear underwear and tights so he thought he dresses like a girl so he took Marylou’s tights and his mom’s tights so Pete went to the top of the house and he saw everybody inside the neighbor’s houses started looking at me and a guy outside walking a dog was staring at me and I swear the dog was laughing at me. I thought I already was becoming famous, so I was ready to jump off our three story house and then I jumped while I did that I spread out my flabby arms and ouch I broke both my legs and one arm. That was the stupidest thing I ever did that and burning myself on fire. Lighting the dog on fire was just funny.
Chapter 4 – ages from 10 to 15
The new invention
Pete has learned his lesson not to try to commit suicide I tried to tell them that I was trying to fly but they still don’t believe me they said I was old enough to know people cant fly but I wouldn’t know I am only ten. Five years later. Somebody invented the new invention called internet. Well we got the internet and people were selling things on it and I didn’t know it coast money so somebody was selling a car and I bought it they ask for your credit card number and I asked my dad for it and he told me so I went to the computer and typed it down and sent it my dad came to the computer and asked why I needed it and I told him it asks if you want this car all I did was need to put down a few numbers and they send the car to us. Dad looked like his face was going to explode because under the picture it said S 10,000. my dad was screaming like a dog with it’s hair on fire. My punishment was I was grounded I was literally grounded I was buried in the ground everything except my head and I couldn’t get out no matter how hard I tried. My brothers Mike and Ray
drew on my face with permanent marker and Nick cut my hair. I had to stay in the ground for two days and ten hours. If I had to eat I ate dirt or grass. If I had to go to the bathroom I had to hold it and I did hold it. I had to go to the bathroom for ten minutes non stop once I got out of the hole.
Chapter 5 – ages from 15 to 18
Don’t let Pete drive
Pete learned his lesson not to buy stuff on computer without dad’s permission. Three years later I wasgetting ready for my drivers license. Back in my day we didn’t have foot brakes for the passenger in the Drivers Ed car. So I was practicing parallel parking in the parking lot I was practicing at 50 miles per hour. But that is when it gets worse the brakes broke and the steering wheel fell off. Somebody sawed part of the steering wheel off and part of the brake was also sawed off. I just hit the principles brand new convertible Mustang and I just wrecked the Drivers Ed car but that didn’t really matter right now when the principle came out she just blew her top I was suspended from school for practicing driving without the Drivers Ed car and damaging two cars. M y dad had to give the car I ordered to the principle and my dad had to pay for a new Drivers Ed car and I was grounded again for three days.
Chapter 6 – ages 18 to 25
Pete on vacation
Pete learned his lesson never to drive a Drivers Ed car alone or else you may be grounded. One time we were on a vacation on a boat ride over night. I was sleeping peacefully when my brothers tied a rock to my foot and put goggles on my face and threw me in the water it was deep enough to leave my nose poking out of the waterbut I was in there for what seemed like forever but I heard my mom calling my name I tried to call back but all that happened was that bubbles came out of my mouth so I started to cry but I stopped because water started to fill up my goggles. Then I saw a fish started coming toward me I got scared so I started to swim away but I was not swimming any were just in circles so the fish came closer and closer and then all of a sudden the fish came and swallowed me up. I was in the fish’s mouth for two days and two nights and a big voice came from above he said if you tell the people at your house not to play mean tricks on you anymore then I will have the fish spit you out. Pete said I will do that with pleasure so Pete got spat out of the fish’s mouth and it spat him out at fifty miles per hour and then all of a sudden I hit a tree and was knocked out and when I woke up at my house and told them everything the big voice told me what to do.
Chapter 7 – ages 25-36
The last but not least of Pete
Pete learned his lesson not to go on vacation without his mom and dad’s supervision and so Pete went on vacation with his dad they were in the woods camping when his dad told him to start a fire. So Pete started the fire and all of a sudden a big brown evil bear with a shirt on that said Smokey The Bear and Pete stared running and yelling while his dad was in the car hiding from the bear. Pete started screaming like a little monkey hoping somebody would hear him but nobody did so all of a sudden he heard the bear yell stop or start a forest fire so Pete stopped and said how would I start a forest fire” and the bear put handcuffs on Pete and said” because you were lighting a fire in the woods and it could spread. So Pete went back to the camp site and put out the fire and went to jail for seven years so it turns out Pete really didn’t die from a bear attack he died from a lighting strike.
So that is all about Uncle Pete.
by: Jimmy Vrtis