{"id":177,"date":"2020-06-13T18:20:57","date_gmt":"2020-06-13T22:20:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/?p=177"},"modified":"2022-04-02T14:25:46","modified_gmt":"2022-04-02T18:25:46","slug":"communication","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/2020\/06\/13\/communication\/","title":{"rendered":"Communication"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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My daughter and son-in-law volunteered to be presenters at the Pre-Cana conferences at their church. They shared their communications experiences and notes from when they first got together. I thought it might prove helpful to others.<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n

When I first met Nikki, I knew only one thing for absolute certainty: Regardless of anything else in this world, I don\u2019t need to worry about ever dating her.<\/p>\n

But let\u2019s back up a bit. Steven and I met in at a convention New Jersey where we were both guests. At the time, I lived in Honesdale, Pennsylvania, and he lived in Tallahassee, Florida.<\/b><\/p>\n

However, it wasn\u2019t the 1,000-plus miles between us that was the deal-breaker. Rather, it was one subtle clue I picked up on while we were talking in one of the late-night post-panel discussions. At one point, she said:<\/p>\n

I only like to date guys who can keep me in the manner to which I am accustomed.<\/b><\/p>\n

Now, I knew very little about her situation, but I knew mine, and I knew that \u2013 as a part-time freelancer and full-time worker with a degree in English \u2013 I could barely keep me in the lifestyle to which I\u2019d grown accustomed, let alone someone else. My mind kept going back to her comment, which screamed \u201cgold digger\u201d on some level (although I never told her this at the time). Regardless, I knew that I wasn\u2019t going to have to worry about dating her.<\/p>\n

Still, we got to know each other fairly well over that extended weekend, and she seemed nice enough. So I flew back home thinking \u2013 if nothing else \u2013 I might have made a new industry contact . . . and perhaps someone who could offer me freelance work.<\/p>\n

When I got home I sent an e-mail to Nikki.<\/p>\n

I sent one back.<\/b><\/p>\n

We started getting to know one another by e-mail and \u2013 to make a long story short \u2013 we realized that we both really liked each other.<\/p>\n

Here is a printout of every e-mail we exchanged . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

. . . in the first month after we met. (That\u2019s double-sided, too . . .)<\/b><\/p>\n

Ours was a long-distance relationship for the first seven months.<\/b><\/p>\n

We only met face-to-face twice more before I moved from Florida to Pennsylvania.

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We were engaged four months later, and we were married about a year after we first started living in the same state, but not together.<\/b><\/p>\n

So how could I be so confident about the possibility of forming a future with Nikki, even though we\u2019d only met three times before I uprooted my life?

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Because our relationship was built on communication.<\/b><\/p>\n

The communication we shared in the first 30 days of e-mail weren\u2019t an aberration; they turned out to be the norm.<\/p>\n

Eventually e-mails were replaced by hours-long phone calls every day . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

We used to play games by phone so we could be \u201cdoing something\u201d in the space when we didn\u2019t have much to talk about.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a way that Steven figured out how we could play Boggle over the phone.<\/b><\/p>\n

Remember, this was in the far-flung past of 2004. We didn\u2019t have all these iPads with the Words With Friends, or the Facebooks with the farming games, or the CDs you burn from the Napsters or the tattoos they put right on the . . .<\/p>\n

Honey! You\u2019re getting off-topic.<\/b><\/p>\n

Oh, right! Sorry. Anyway, once we moved to the same state and had more time together, we still tried to create plenty of opportunity for communication. Mostly we did this by walking places together.<\/p>\n

We still do! (Weather permitting . . .)<\/b><\/p>\n

So why is communication important in a marriage? Why is it vital to work on your communication skills and make sure you have a solid communication foundation?<\/p>\n

If all goes according to plan \u2013 as I fervently hope and pray it does \u2013 each of you will be stuck with your mate for 50 to 70 years.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a longer day-to-day relationship than you\u2019ll have with anyone else in your life: parents, children, pets . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

They could own turtles. They live a while.<\/p>\n

Turtles aren\u2019t good conversationalists.<\/b><\/p>\n

Well, they\u2019re the silent types.<\/p>\n

Right.<\/b><\/p>\n

Anyway, you\u2019re going to be with each other for a while, so you\u2019d better have a good idea for how to relate.<\/p>\n

So, what are some ideas for how to make a relationship work?<\/b><\/p>\n

Keep in mind that advice for developing communication skills has filled hundreds of books, many of them bestsellers.<\/p>\n

Five Love Languages.
\nFireproof.
\nMen Are From Mars,
\n   Women Are From Venus.<\/p>\n

I Want To Buy A Cat But My Wife Is Deathly Allergic.<\/i><\/p>\n

I haven\u2019t heard of that one . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

Oh, it just came out . . . last year.<\/p>\n

Riiight.<\/b><\/p>\n

Anyway, there is a lot more advice out there than we can squeeze into even a few minutes. However, we\u2019re hoping that we can at least spark an interest in developing communication skills \u2013 starting by sharing a few \u201ctips\u201d that meant the most to us when we started brainstorming this.<\/p>\n

I bet you know what the number one item on my list is . . .<\/p>\n

Be respectful?<\/b><\/p>\n

Wrong!<\/p> \n

[NIKKI looks annoyed]<\/b><\/p>\n

Wait . . . no, I didn\u2019t mean that. No, the number one item on my list is: People aren\u2019t telepathic.<\/p>\n

Right. You can only be sure that someone else knows something by telling them.<\/b><\/p>\n

So I shouldn\u2019t assume that you just know the number-one item on my list . . .<\/p>\n

People aren\u2019t telepathic.<\/b><\/p>\n

Right<\/p>\n

Well, number one on my list is: Be respectful.<\/b><\/p>\n

Oh, that\u2019s huge.<\/p>\n

Even when we disagree, we approach those disagreements with utmost respect. We\u2019re all different, and just because your mate thinks or does something differently, he or she still deserves your utmost love and respect. I mean, I wouldn\u2019t want to be married to someone just like me . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

Neither would I! I mean, I want to be married to someone just like you, not . . .<\/p>\n

I know what you mean.<\/b><\/p>\n

Shall we offer more tips?<\/p>\n

Sure!<\/b><\/p>\n

Show appreciation. It\u2019s an old truism that men want to feel needed . . . <\/p>\n

And women want to feel wanted.<\/b><\/p>\n

Appreciation \u2013 please,<\/p>\n

thank you,<\/b><\/p>\n

you\u2019re welcome<\/p>\n

I love you<\/b><\/p>\n

\u2013 is a great way to accomplish both! According to one researcher, 84 percent of spouses would prefer to be complimented for being kind over being attractive.<\/p>\n

The same researcher also found that 25 percent of couples don\u2019t consistently say \u201cgoodnight\u201d to each other; of those, 70 percent considered their relationship to be in serious trouble at least once in the previous year.<\/b><\/p>\n

Intellectually we might think that our partner will grow tired of hearing pleasantries or words of encouragement, but that\u2019s just not the case.<\/p>\n

Which reminds me: Thank you so much for doing the dishes before we left.<\/b><\/p>\n

Oh, you\u2019re quite welcome! I know you were wrangling our son; that\u2019s a huge job, and it means a lot to me.<\/p>\n

See? Appreciation! It\u2019s an important lubricant to social interactions. <\/b><\/p>\n

Right! And if there\u2019s anything that makes marital relations easier, it\u2019s lubrication. [BEAT] Some of them laughed; get the priest!<\/p>\n

Anyway . . . What else? Oh, make conversation part of your day-to-day life.<\/b><\/p>\n

If you only really \u201ctalk\u201d whenever you have something big and important to discuss, you\u2019ll dread those times when you do talk.<\/p>\n

But when you\u2019re enjoying each others\u2019 company by discussing shared interests, talking about your days, or reminiscing about your own personal histories . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

Like that time I almost drowned in your parents\u2019 lake, because I only learned how to swim in salt water!<\/p>\n

[LAUGHING] Right!<\/b><\/p>\n

Then it\u2019s much easier to segue into topics that might be more challenging.<\/p>\n

Yesterday I spent $300 at Meijer\u2019s.<\/b><\/p>\n

I want to buy a new iPad.<\/p>\n

BOTH STEVEN AND NIKKI: What?! . . . We\u2019ll talk later.<\/b><\/p>\n

We\u2019ve also found our communication is best when we do activities that give us quiet moments to be together.<\/p>\n

We mentioned walking already, but we also like to play games . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

Do jigsaw puzzles . . .<\/p>\n

Go to museums . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

Buy iPads . . .<\/p>\n

Nice try.<\/b><\/p>\n

Oh, and \u2013 if possible \u2013 share a meal together every day. Breakfast or dinner, schedules permitting. Again, it\u2019s a great way to spend a few minutes together, and it makes sure that you always have time to talk.<\/p>\n

Sometimes we even cook together; it\u2019s a good way to help out with a chore, and it gives you time to talk.<\/b><\/p>\n

What else? Oh, humor!<\/p>\n

You may have noticed a lot of humor in this presentation . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

I hope they\u2019ve noticed humor in this presentation. We worked hard at this!<\/p>\n

Some of them weren\u2019t laughing . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

They have no souls.<\/p>\n

Anyway, you may have noticed a lot of humor here . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

And there\u2019s a lot of humor in our household. One of the things that Nikki found most attractive in me when we met was my sense of humor and my dashing good looks . . .<\/p>\n

Anyway, we have always tried to keep our humor respectful and loving. Neither one of use uses humor to mock or belittle the other. If I make jokes, I try to do it to our shared situations, or directed at myself, or at a topic that we can both laugh at.<\/p>\n

And we both make it known that if either of us crosses a line or touches on a subject that is uncomfortable, that we can be honest and tell the other.<\/b>\n

Right. Actually, that\u2019s a good point in general; when we\u2019re chatting, some topics we know there\u2019s no good reason to bring up, since it just ticks off the other person. Like, I try to avoid mentioning to Nikki about political hypocrisy . . .<\/p>\n

Oh, that makes me so mad! Can you believe the way they tried to . . .<\/b><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry! I didn\u2019t mean it!<\/p>\n

(ahem) This doesn\u2019t mean you avoid talking about important stuff \u2013 stuff that really matters to your relationship or the household \u2013 but some topics just don\u2019t warrant continued disagreement or rehashing.<\/b><\/p>\n

Especially if you disagree on something trivial like . . . which movie is the best.<\/p>\n

Preacher\u2019s Wife.<\/b><\/p>\n

Fight Club.<\/b><\/p>\n

[NIKKI AND STEVEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER]<\/b><\/p>\n

And on that disagreeable note, we\u2019d like to point out the Rules of Disagreement in your workbooks. That entire page is all useful and positive material for resolving points of contention.<\/p>\n

One last tip: It\u2019s okay to have wants and needs. You can\u2019t change your partner; the only person you can truly change is yourself. However, it\u2019s much easier for your mate to modify behaviors if he or she knows what you really want.<\/b><\/p>\n

Right . . . like I want to buy the latest cool and nifty goodies out there.<\/p>\n

And I want to save money for our future.<\/b><\/p>\n

Those are both reasonable and strong wants \u2013 and we\u2019ve resolved them to our satisfaction by talking about those issues.<\/p>\n

Often.<\/b><\/p>\n

. . . and changing a bit in the process. In all our conflicts we try to come up with a compromise or solution that makes us all happy . . .<\/p>\n

. . . or equally miserable.<\/b><\/p>\n

That\u2019s a win in my book!<\/p>\n

Anyway, you each have wants and needs you\u2019d like fulfilled by the marriage.<\/p>\n

Part of communication is making sure your mate knows those wants and needs . . . don\u2019t make them guess.<\/b><\/p>\n

Because, as we\u2019ve discussed earlier, your mate isn\u2019t telepathic . . .<\/p>\n

. . . and if you\u2019re doing your job right, God willing, you\u2019ll be stuck with each other for the next 50 to 70 years.<\/b><\/p>\n

I sure hope so!<\/p>\n

STEVEN AND NIKKI: I love you!<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My daughter and son-in-law volunteered to be presenters at the Pre-Cana conferences at their church. They shared their communications experiences and notes from when they first got together. I thought it might prove helpful to others. When I first met Nikki, I knew only one thing for absolute certainty: Regardless of anything else in this … Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-177","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-articles"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=177"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":327,"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/177\/revisions\/327"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=177"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=177"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.vrtisworks.com\/mythoughts\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=177"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}